We Got the FUNK: January 2012

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Work

I have been timid in writing this post.  I think mainly because I do not want my ex-coworkers to feel like I am rubbing my new job in their face.  I care about my colleagues at ACHS a ton and sympathize with the chaos that is continuously being thrown at them.  I am in awe at how hard they work and how little recognition they get.  Yet, I keep being asked, "how is your new job?"

School has been going for several months now.  I can definitely say that I LOVE my job and I LOVE teaching again and at this point last year I didn't feel either of those.  I am still very anxious and am always learning new things, but overall, it has been a great choice and change for myself and the family.  ACHS was toxic for me.  When I worked there I was someone that I didn't like and the negativity was consuming me and being brought into my home-life.  The move to my new school has been eye-opening, supportive, challenging, wonderful and positive.

Before moving schools I had been operating under the assumption that ALL school districts were moving towards what ACHS was doing and that regardless of where I go, education is changing and I would be dealing with the same crap.  It was eye-opening to see that is not the truth.  ACHS is operating and doing the best they can, but the higher ups are not supporting the staff and really giving the kids a chance to be the rock-stars that I caught glimpses of when I worked there.  Here I am reminded consistently what teaching is and that I am the professional and my opinion and expertise matters.  No professional development on how to teach writing or analyze data, just adult conversations that center around positive changes that can help ALL students be successful.  They treat you professionally, they recognize that you know what you are supposed to do and that you are above all HUMAN!  I don't mean to bash ACHS.  I loved my students, I loved my co-workers, I just am trying to make comparisons.  I think honestly the biggest and best difference for me is that I am treated professionally and that they realize that I have a family.  

Case in point...when I came down with that awful flu and then miscarried last week I had to take 3 days off of work, at the VERY last minute.  I was so worried that I was going to get in huge trouble at work and that I was going to have this held against me.  I came back Wednesday and didn't talk to too many people, then missed Thursday.  Friday I was greeted with hugs from the admin and nothing but support and encouragement.  It was a great feeling.  They supported me not only professionally but personally and I am so encouraged to know that mistakes are ok and I am not screwing everything up.

Anyways, I love my job, I don't bring much of it home which means Jason and Eyan love my job and life seems to be coming together.


Monday, January 30, 2012

My kid needed a haircut.

Aint that the truth!

I was just skimming through some of the pictures on my camera and am so glad that we finally cut Eyan's hair.  His hair grows so fast and it is just amazing to me how much we have to cut off each time, just so his hair isn't all crazy!

Here are some picts of the mop of hair my monster grows!
Nice faces...but seriously the hair???

It's like a baby mullet

Now you see it, business in the front...

He is pointing to his ponza (tummy), but check out his hair, so long in the back!

Oh Well, He is sure cute with that long mop!

I forgot to take a picture of his haircut.  If you check out the pics from yesterday, you can see the haircut.  He looks like a little boy and it is SO much easier to take care of and wash his hair when it is short.

Have a nice Monday!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Eyan loves being a biker!

Today we had a great day. I am still not feeling great and don't have an appetite at all, but the motorcycle show and swap was in town and grandpa had a booth so we had to go down and see everyone!

Eyan loved hanging out with his papa. He also wanted to ride this mini motorcycle that a friend of ours had and we almost couldn't get him off that thing. Silly biker baby! He also LOVES to dress like a biker! I knew his Halloween costume would be reused again and again.

Fun day!

Friday, January 27, 2012

It happened...

All this anticipation and desperation to have the miscarriage end came to a culmination yesterday morning.  The internet and my first miscarriage led me to believe that if I was going to have a natural miscarriage again that it was just going to be some heavy cramping and bleeding.  I wasn't too worried as the first miscarriage I had was just that, some heavy cramping and bleeding.  I had made an appointment for today to have the D&C, expecting to have the weekend to recover and not expecting for the never-ending miscarriage to actual end.

Let me remind you that through all this, I have been sick with the plague flu.  It's no joke, this flu made me vomit every 10-15 minutes for almost 12 hours straight and the only thing that stopped it was a wonderful shot from the doctor and some pretty heavy medication.  Still at this point I have not really eaten anything since Sunday night.

This miscarriage was nothing like the first.  This miscarriage was basically labor.  Blood literally poured out and the contractions were hard enough that I could not talk through them.  It was rough, I was scared and I didn't want anyone to see me going through this.  My husband did everything I asked him to do and was great, but I needed to be alone.  Within 3 hours and a few really rough contractions everything passed and the bleeding slowed to normal.  I got some sleep and cried a bit and prayed.  The tricky part to all of this is that I am still at risk for infection and until I have more blood work done, this whole situation is not over.

I don't know if I could go through this again.  I don't know if I want to even chance this again.  I do know that I think I would rather go through the 5 minute D&C with drugs, then what I did yesterday.  

Emotionally I am doing surprisingly ok.  I think the almost 8 weeks I had to prepare for this really was helpful.  I don't wish this on any person and please know that if you go through this, I am here for you! I am an open book and very willing to share my full story and all the gory details if you just ask.

I hope my chronicling of this has/will help someone and I know it has helped me heal.  I don't really know who reads this...I don't think it matters.  I write for me, I write for peace, I write to clear my head and I know that my outlet has been very good therapy.



Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Still dying

This is how I feel today:


Instead I am working...and dying and trying to educate students.  Not sure I am being successful. 

Have a perfect story about my adventures in vomitron land.

See ya on the flip side

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Sick

I caught whatever beautifully horrible virus Eyan had. Soooo sick. Catch up with you all later.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Answers?

Well, it has officially been 12 weeks since this pregnancy began and it is still not done.  I am so frustrated and beginning to get impatient with this whole process.  I went to the doctor this week and had another ultrasound.  FINALLY, there was no fetal tissue, just a large gestational sac and yolk sac.  This is progress, and I was told that a D&C is needed.  I just to wait for the doctor to call and schedule, so I patiently waited.  On Friday while I was teaching, I missed a call from the doctor.  I returned it immediately after school only to find out the doctor was called to the hospital to deliver a baby.  No biggie, she said they would be open the next day and she would be available.  So I went to bed fully confident that I would have answers and a date to end this chapter.  I woke up the next morning only to call several different times to no answer.  Finally the answering service told me that they left for the day...this was 2 hours earlier than they close!  Frustration was at an all time high.  I am tired of waiting, tired of letting my body do what it needs to do and just plain tired.

So maybe tomorrow I will get an answer....

Jason got some good news on his heart.  The ECG (heart sonogram) came back good.  However, we still have no real answers as to why his heart is beating too quickly.  This Thursday Jason goes to the cardiologist and I am hoping and praying that we get the answers.  I am also hoping that they tell Jason enough on the caffeine, nicotine and other crap he is putting into his body.  It scares me to death to lose him, especially since both his parents died early.

So maybe Thursday we will get an answer...

Other small updates:

Jason's grandpa is out of the ICU and back home, managing the blood clots with medicine.  I continue to pray that he will get better and better each day.  I love his family so much and Grandpa is a strong man.  I am glad to know that he is such a fighter cause we need his feisty attitude in this family!

My little sister has been battling some GI issues and has lost like 15+ lbs on an already tiny little body so now she looks anorexic.  She is throwing up pretty much any solid food she eats and is just feeling pretty shitty.  She has an issue with some enzyme...which as a science teacher leads me to assume that the chemical reactions that should be happening in her body to digest her food are not be catalyzed by the enzymes so the food just comes right up.  I like to think it is a simple fix of balancing her pH or a small little pill with no side effects, but who knows.  She goes to the doctor this week for some answers as well.

Lastly, my little boy has been battling what can only be called the stomach flu from hell.  Thursday night we went to a restaurant and were just getting our meals when he vomited all over the place.  We cleaned him up assuming it was just a random fluke and went back to the table.  Literally 1 bite into my meal, out comes the vomit.  I told Jason to grab the food and I rushed Eyan to the bathroom where he continue to throw up in the toilet like a pro.  (Seriously though I have never seen a kid know how to throw up in the toilet?)  He continued this upchuck fest all they way home in the car and literally ALL NIGHT LONG!  I was terrified and so worried as he began to dry heave and choke and turn red.  I called Children's Hospital 4 different times only to be told that unless he has a fever, not to bring him in and that the vomiting seemed to be slowing down.  Well we made it through the night.  I went to work so tired as I forgot to call in, and managed to make it through the day.  The next night wasn't much better he vomited a couple times and although I got a bit more sleep, it was still a rough night.

My little man has continued to get better and better and after doing the BRAT diet for a few days he managed to hold down some milk and Doritos (hey its all he wanted), so I think we are almost in the clear.

Anyway, busy week, hopefully lots of answers and happy news.  Optimism is my friend.


Friday, January 20, 2012

Stock Show

Denver Colorado hosts a huge cowboy extravaganza known as the National Western Stock Show every year in January.  I can't remember a year since I was a little tike that we have missed it.  This year was no exception so we met up with some friends and took our little man to visit the animals and see the stock show.  We didn't get to watch the rodeo because I am sure Eyan would not have been able to sit for 2.5 hours watching it, but maybe next year.

I totally forgot to take more pictures, but I did get a picture and video of Eyan riding the pony's at the kids area of the stock show!  He freaking loved this and looked like a natural.





Happy Cowboy Time to you!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

1 year...talking, talking, talking!

So my little boy is a talker.  Just like his mommy.  I am already anticipating those parent teacher conferences where the teacher politely tells me that he is talking too much in class as some sort of hint that I need to make him stop.  Well I will do my best, but the genius little boy I have is just on a roll.

I woke up one morning during my "I think I am dying" week, only to hear him counting in his room!  It was so adorable to hear him do this.  The best part is that I didn't actually formally practice this with him.  When he is put in time out we count out loud and apparently that worked and he learned his numbers.   Here is a video of Eyan counting to eleven...at 20 months old!


To top it off, he decided that he also knew his name and his age!  My kid is so smart.


Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Wordless Wednesdays: Bathtime Mowhawk


Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Mickey Mouse

Is the only show my son will watch.  He LOVES the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse show and we have made it a point to DVR about 30 episodes of it so that he can watch it anytime he pleases.  He usually only watches the beginning 10 minutes and the last 5 minutes with the "hot dog song,"  (youtube it) but it is a nice little break for mommy and daddy.

Milk & Mickey

What Eyan is looking at

Captivated!
I am not a huge proponent of having my kid watch TV, but I figure a half hour a day isn't a huge deal.  The stupid TV is on all day anyway.  I hate having my house too quiet.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Christmas...Finally! (Photo dump)

With everything being so crazy and being a little depressed over all this, I just finally got around to uploading the Christmas pictures.

Christmas was very nice.  Jason and I were able to budget very nicely for Eyan's gifts and many of my families and his and still have a very nice Christmas.  We planned back in August to spend $50.00 per month on gifts for him.  So he had a ton of stuff to open and in reality we only spent about $200.00 total on him which is pretty good for us.

So here is my amazing photo dump of Christmas.

Christmas Eve opening PJ's with daddy
Ready for Santa to come all dressed in our Christmas PJ's
Christmas Morning!  A little tired, but SANTA came!
Santa didn't forget our first born: Mia got her favorite toy!
Or our second: Lily stole the rest of the toys!
Happy puppies on Christmas Day!
Ready to tear into the Santa present!
Santa makes presents look pretty
Taking the paper off...it's a car!!!
Onto the Melissa & Doug Block train.  Eyan loves this 
First DVD's
He really liked opening clothes 
Color Wonder!!!
The awesome Cozy Coupe!  

We have a Christmas tradition that Jason and I have done for the past few years.  We spread his mom's ashes up in the mountains just a short drive away and since then we have went up to visit her.  We load up the whole family and go for a nice drive.  It was awesome this year, but so cold so we did not get out, but we did get to see some great wildlife!
Mia & Eyan on the ride up there.
Beautiful Elk 
The Bison herd!  

With everything going on Christmas was a bit somber, but we still had a very nice time spending it with each other. 


Sunday, January 15, 2012

End in sight???

I believe there might be. This miscarriage might finally be happening and there is an odd sense of relief. I truly hope this is really it as I am ready to have my body back to myself.

On another note, I am over my "hating pregnant people" phase. Sorry if I offended any of the 13+ pregnant friends I have. Love you ladies and I am really happy and excited for you. I just needed to be angry for a bit. If you've had a miscarriage before you understand the extreme anger you can feel. I don't wish this on my worst enemy and I pray that everyone has healthy pregnancies and babies.

Last note, I promise I will be back to blogging regularly this week. Been busy getting back to work and a little nervous loading pictures on my school computer because I am afraid it will crash again. Here's a cute picture of my precious little ninja!!! I think a haircut is due again :). Auntie Kelly we will be seeing you soon!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Still "pregnant"

It's like once a week I think that this miscarriage is finally going to happen, then nothing. 11 weeks now and nothing, this is getting to be ridiculous. I cannot wait for January 18 so I can finally schedule a D&C...if it hasn't happened in 6 weeks, I can't imagine it will anytime soon.

Sorry I haven't been updating. Trying to work through all this medical crap we are dealing with. Have TONS of pictures to share from Christmas and the last couple weeks. I will try to get back in the blogging spirit next week.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Done?

So tonight I had a conversation with the neighbor lady about how old we will be when our kids graduate. I have always wanted to have my kids early so that I could really enjoy my "prime" years. I've wanted this because my parents had it and truly enjoy all the time they have to be themselves again. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mommy, but I can definitely say that I have lost a bit of who I am and I definitely have no time for the things that I enjoy doing sans children. I found comfort in the idea of being done raising kids by my early 40's.

Tonight I realized that I will be 44 when Eyan graduates, which means that by the time he graduates college and God willing moves out before he is 25, I will be well into my 50's!!! I know it doesn't seem old and it's not, but I just cannot imagine being a 50 year old parent of a senior. The way my body deals with pregnancy is shitty. Takes me forever to get pregnant, then carrying a baby doesn't seem to work, so figure 2-3 years of trying/pregnancy,
Would put me very close to 50.

So I am seriously thinking of getting my tubes tied...stat!!! It may be a rash decision, but it freaks me out to be a "middle aged" parent. There are definitely some cons to my irrational fears. 1. I have always wanted Eyan to have a sibling. 2. Pretty permanent procedure so I damn well be sure. 3. I am not entirely sure that Jason agrees with this thought. 4. My parents would only have one grandchild, since my sister is never having kids...kinda sad for them.

Hmmm. What do you think? Good idea or bad?

Friday, January 6, 2012

Update to Jason's Heart

Last night after I got home from an exhausting day at work, Jason told me he had some bad news.  My first thought was (excuse my language), "Fuck, what the hell is happening now."  I kept that thought to myself and asked my hubby what the news was.

He told me that his grandpa was in ICU because his blood clots in his lungs had returned and that he an pneumonia.  This has me super freaked out because Jason's grandpa is like his dad and losing another MAJOR person in our life is exactly what we do not need.  It has been enough to lose Jason mother, aunt, mom's best friend, and all the other family and friends that we have lost in the last 3 years.  Another pivotal person in our lives would be detrimental to our psyche.  We are trying to heal and move past all the negative.  I pray almost every night for the health of our friends and family and a reprieve from all the sadness we have been experiencing.  I feel like enough is enough.  We are already trying to cope with the most recent loss of angel baby #2, please GOD let us catch our breaths.  Jason assured me that grandpa is doing better and that he should be fine, but he will be on this crappy medicine for the rest of his life.  I LOVE Jason's family and adore his grandparents like crazy!  I will continue to pray for Grandpa's recovery and I hope that you will join me in this prayer.

So onto the meat of this post.  Jason's heart.  After hearing nothing for almost a week after his wonderful venture with the heart monitor, we assumed that Jason's heart was just fine and that possibly he was just dealing with a lot of stress.  Umm we were wrong to assume that.  Jason got a message from the cardiologists scheduling an echocardiogram (ECG) with no other news of what the heck is going on.  About 4 hours later Jason's actual doctor called and said that we would be getting a call to schedule the ECG and that the heart monitor showed that Jason is having some Ventricular Ectopy.  Immediately freaked out!

So I googled it, and I found out a couple things:
1. Ventricular Ectopy basically means that his heart has an extra beat that originates in the bottom half of his heart before it is supposed to, so his heart rate and pulse are sped up.  Although almost every single person in the world has an occasional ectopic beat, Jason is having them way to frequently which tells us that there is a possible problem.

2. One of those problems is that it very well could be that he has too many stimulants in his body and it is causing his heart to beat way to fast.   Jason works graveyards so he drinks a lot of Monster Energy Drinks, coffee, 5 hour Energy drinks, chocolate, nicotine and other crap that is probably destroying his heart.

3.  Another more terrifying possibility is that he has heart disease.  Um Fuck...this better not be the problem.

All I know is that I am praying my ass off right now and begging God, Allah, Buddah and any other religious figures for some help.  Please get us through this and PLEASE just let it be all the crap he is putting in his body and not an actual disease.  Please, please, please!!!


Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Still waiting

Told you that I would keep you updated, at this point I have been "pregnant" for 10 weeks, with a fetus in "demise" for 4 of those weeks. I am SO ready for this whole situation to be over so I can move on and heal, but I don't see an end in sight. On January 18 I go in for my "12 week" appt and I am hopeful that they will agree to do a D&C if nothing has happened by then.

So weird to be hopeful for something like this. Feels anti-human, but I think if you were in my shoes and realized how much more emotional pain it is to know that you have created a life that has/is dying and is suffering and fighting is extremely heart wrenching!

Emotionally I am doing much better, I have faith in God's plan and know that Jason and I are already extremely blessed to have Eyan. So that is my focus, HE is my focus, and I LOVE every minute I spend with him.

Monday, January 2, 2012

HiHoHiHo it is back to work I go.

My winter break was far from from relaxing, full of stress, but nonetheless it was a great time off with my family. Let's talk highlights, since we know all about the crappy parts.

1. 17 full days off with Eyan! It was awesome to play and talk and laugh with no worries of work.

2. Christmas!!! Eyan did great this year opening gifts. He unwrapped them like a pro and just was so happy. He got some awesome toys and as soon as my computer gets fixed I will upload some photos. (if you haven't noticed I've been blogging from my phone).

3. New years has already proven to be better. My terrible cold is moving on I think, my kid managed to sleep pretty good the last couple nights, and I got all of Christmas put away on the inside of the house.

I honestly am not ready for Christmas vacation to end, but I know that in 5 short months I will be enjoying some much needed time off with my family again.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

2012...Some Goals

Happiest of New Years to everyone. I have always been a person who based my year off of how well New Years Eve and New Years Day went. This year I have decided that your year, life or destiny cannot be based on just one or two days. I have a good life, scratch that I HAVE A GREAT LIFE! So although yesterday was pretty uneventful and I am still battling coldzilla and my kiddo is sick and the inevitable miscarriage is still "inevitable," I am thankful. I have a wonderful husband, the cutest little ninja son, two bratty dogs, a house, three cars, a camper, four-wheeler and money in the bank. Truthfully the material things are nice, but in reality what makes me so thankful for everything is the love that has surrounded myself and my family through what can only be called the "year of loss."

I have found a new interest in Pinterest! I am going to continue to set goals for myself, as I always have, and in using the idea wonderland known as Pinterest, I am going to share those goals with you in pictures.

1. Be Optimistic. Look for the good in things, be positive and let God handle the stress.

2. Try some new recipes. Tonight we are having these chicken enchilada things.

3. Do this Challenge. Because I want too!!!