Invincible

Like most days I get up after little sleep and shower, dress, brush my teeth and get myself ready.  I feed the dogs and let them out and pack my computer, the diaper bag, Emberlynns milk bag, Eyans bag, my pump and my lunch.  I make my breakfast, wake the kids, change a diaper, load kids in cars seats and drive to Jens.  Typical mom morning for most.

I work a full 40+ hours a week, where I am running around constantly, living my passion and trying my damnest to grow into a better teacher each lesson.  My work schedule is insane, and if you couple that with all my non-teaching duties and my flipped classroom undertaking…well it’s carefully organized chaos.

I leave work, drive to get the kids, bring them home, make dinner, wash bottles, eat, clean up dinner and then play with the kids.  Baths, books and bedtime follows.  Then it’s “me” time…

Except “me” time consists of paying bills, searching for that darn car that Eyan thinks he left in that one box of toys, scheduling appointments (thank you Internet), couponing and the list goes on and on.

Oh where’s Jason you ask?  That man is helping like crazy! He watches the kids while I cook…or he cooks.  He helps with baths, books & bedtime.  He cleans.  He also works his butt off.  In no way am I saying my husband is not doing his part…God knows he is.  

At some point Jason and I cross paths for a split second. This is one aspect I hate about our schedules.  I miss us and our time a lot.  We get really grumpy when life gets busy.  This sucks.

But I digress…onto invincibility.

So what if “that will never be me” becomes “me?”  I have this uneasy, scared, helpless worry over dying.  I am incredibly scared to die…even though it is part of life.  I have watch a few people die and it is the most peaceful moment I have ever experienced all while tearing my heart out and crushing my gut.  I have experienced WAY too much death and loss and truthfully would love a lengthy break from memorial services and those stomach dropping phone calls ending in tears. 

What about my own death?  I worry about this a lot.  Not necessarily about the “how” but more about the after effects on my loved ones.  I have watched my husband and his family deal with tragedy and the loss of his mom, 2 aunts, uncle and a close family friend…within 2 years time!  The after effects on those left behind suck.  It’s a daily battle to live “normal.”  

I pray every night to live a long life.  However, I worry and plan for my passing.  I worry about how my babies would deal.  How on Earth could Jason tackle our crazy life and all the things I do for us (unrealistic…the man is very capable).  I worry that my kids will not be able to deal with losing me…that right there is soul crushing.  They are my everything and I think that I am theirs.  How could Jason handle losing me after losing both parents so young and then shouldering all responsibility and healing of our kids. It just is too much, so then I convince myself that I am invincible.  It’s probably a coping mechanism, but all these thoughts, these realities…they need a coping mechanism.   

I think the reality of a young death has been on my mind forever.  I always thought I wouldn’t live past 25.  I used to have a reoccurring dream that I died in a car accident driving in a red sports car (I fear these cars still). This all is compounded as I watch countless loved ones pass on WAY before “natural attrition.”  So invincibility…I really hope I’ve got some left!

Am I alone in my crazy thoughts?