You see this adorable, innocent faced little man, he can easily be my greatest snuggle love or my most difficult challenge.
He is the average 4 year old, and I am the average parent…struggling.
Yesterday was tough, probably one of the toughest days I have had in a while with these kiddos. The day actually kind of started out rough with the poor guy. I barley slept the night before and was up at around 4:40 am with the baby. Jason let me go back to bed once the baby went back to sleep and agreed to wait for Eyan to wake up. Except, Jason fell back asleep too, and our sweet boy wanted to play with his sister, so he woke up the sleeping princess and therefore she was a grumpy peanut…ALL.DAY.LONG.
Now this scenario, the one with the tough morning and somewhat defiant little boy, happens pretty consistently just in different forms. Sometimes he loses his mind over the fact that he is not allowed to eat breakfast in the living room, or that Mickey Mouse wasn’t long enough, or that his sister was looking at his cereal wrong, so he must push her away. Don’t get me wrong, the boy is sweet, and loving and wonderful but a few times a week, we deal with a sneaky little stinker.
Ok so back to the story…
I refuse to have my day be that rough so I pulled myself together, got the kids dressed and decided that we would do lunch and playtime at a local Chick-fil-A. We spent like 2 hours there and Eyan had a great time, seemed like he ran off some energy and the baby was perfectly content eating about 10 chicken nuggets. While the kids were playing I was mentally planning the rest of the day. I knew I needed to grab a few groceries and that Eyan really wanted to get a new car seat and that Target was having one heck of a baby sale and I could grab some coupons and knock out groceries and car seats in one trip, leaving time for a delicious home cooked meal and possibly family movie night.
Didn’t that sound awesome?
Yeah well, that is not at all how it went. We came home, I took about 30 minutes to get all my coupons together, but stupidly did not get my Cartwheel app together figuring that my kids are normally well behaved in stores and that the baby was probably going to sleep anyway so I could scan the bar codes and save that way. I needed to make two separate purchases because there was no way I would be able to drive a cart with two kids, two car sets, diapers and a groceries. We get to the store, baby is asleep, Eyan is in a great mood and it appears like I will be in and out of there in like an hour!
Except that when I went to get the baby, she woke up. So in an effort to try to remedy this, I grabbed my baby carrier…which just pissed her off. I kinda ignored this figuring she would chill and fall back asleep…SO SO wrong. Meanwhile we get into the store, I make the first purchase, run the items out to my car and head back in. We make it through the 2nd phase of shopping (baby food), then we head to phase 3 (groceries). This trip would take a while because I forgot to load my Cartwheel App, so I had to do that in-store.
On our way to groceries, Eyan decides now is the perfect time to stand up in the cart. I correct him, he responds all is well. Then he does it again, and again and again and again and again. I continued to correct him, I had a chat with him, I explained to him how badly he could get hurt and so he changed his method. He then began antagonizing his sister. She was all strapped in and he kept pinching her and putting things in her face and blowing on her and talking loudly into her ear, just all around being ornery. Again I corrected each time appropriately but edged closer to that word…spanking.
After a solid 2 hours (going on 3) of my son pushing every button I had and tormenting his little sister and strangers giving me looks and making comments (trying to make me feel better usually), I was getting fed up. We made it through the store, we checked out, and damnet if I forgot to have them scan my stupid Cartwheel App. So I had to go to customer service to get that fixed (as if I needed to spend another minutes in the store with the ornery kids)
This was the end, the moment I lost it. The poor CS lady is trying to help me, the baby is screaming so loudly I could hardly hear her all because her brother pulled her earring. I grab the baby and am consoling her, and put Eyan in timeout to try and finish the transaction and he gets up and RUNS away. I chase him, swat his little booty and put him back on the cart. His behavior fully changed, no tears, just general calmness.
You see I was spanked growing up maybe a handful of times. I know that it helped set boundaries with me and I knew how far I could push my parents before they spanked me (not far at all). Eyan has quite a bit more leeway with me, I will let him push and push and repeat the same behavior probably 50 times before I even consider spanking and most of the time, I resort to quiet time out. However, on the occasion it has been necessary and he handles it well. He almost never cries and he usually apologizes and realizes that his behavior was inappropriate.
We get done, I load the car and we start driving. I tell him that I love him and that I wish he did not have to get a spanking but that his behavior was inappropriate and that he could have gotten hurt and I just needed him to put his listening ears on. He responds “I hate myself for not listening.”
I. DIE.
I tell him about hate, I tell him about self love and I tell him that I LOVE HIM. but right now, I feel terrible and like I did something wrong. I know that my parenting style does not jive with everyone, I know that some parents do not believe in spanking, but I also know that it works. I know that in his reflection with his youthful vocabulary he does not actually hate himself, he was angry that he wasn’t listening and that mommy got mad. He was reflective and he was trying to correct his behavior. He learned a limit. I know this.
But man that one, that one stung my heart pretty hard.
Thanks for reading along, I know it was a long one. Also thank you to all my friends and family for the support on FB yesterday. I truly appreciated it.
Barb | Creative Culinary
Wednesday 16th of July 2014
I came here because you left such a sweet comment on my blog and I saw this article and hoped I wasn't going to read a diatribe about the horrors of spanking. I certainly don't believe in the punishment some parents call spanking when the intent seems to truly hurt their child in an abusive manner but what you did? In my mind you simply got his attention!
When my girls were young and at the point your son was, I would 'pop' them. I never HIT them, I just swatted their behind and they knew I meant business. I never brought them to tears and you know what else...I don't remember feeling guilty but then my kids are probably your age and you could do some things without being made to feel like a terrible parent.Especially when my own parents had been known to use the belt! Not on me but my brothers got into it occasionally and yep, my Dad would. Yet, none of us think of that as child abuse; it was seldom and it was short and yes, it was effective when nothing else was. I did lay down the law regarding that when my ex thought belt punishment was appropriate but please don't feel bad about what you did; if it worked and your boy is fine; sometimes we have to do what we have to do. You seem like a great mom so hope you have let go of that guilt!
LB Present
Friday 11th of July 2014
Despite the differing viewpoints and ideas about spanking, you have to do what works for you in your family and what you're comfortable with. I think you did your best at ensuring your child knew he messed up and that it didn't change how you feel about him, only his behavior. Hug yourself, parenting is hard and we all make mistakes or wish we could change something that already happened :mama hugs: :)
AshleighHattum
Thursday 10th of July 2014
You are a great parent Laura. Don't ever think else wise. I was spanked as a child and it taught me respect and discipline. Keep up the good work. Love ya.