This past week in Colorado a tragedy struck a family that hit close to home. I did not know the family personally, but I feel like I know the struggle that mom was dealing with. Now before anyone freaks out, I am NOT anywhere near the point of grabbing a gun and taking anyone's life, especially my own children's. However, depression is a real issue and one that our family has been dealing with for most of 2016.
In August, I told you all how I was starting medication to address my depression and anxiety issues. I think I had known that I was struggling for a while but I just tallied that up to the large amount of stress I had put on myself from working 40+ hours a week teaching, then doing graduate school full time on top of that, while raising two kids, running this blog and trying to help my husband cope with most of his family dying.
I was getting up, I was existing, I was functioning and from an outsiders point of view, I had my life together. I just graduated with my master's degree while balancing an insane schedule. My kids are healthy, I own a house and cars and can afford the unnecessary items in life. However, my husband was not healthy. He was battling the deepest depression imaginable. It is almost scary to look back and wonder how in the hell I missed the warning signs and how on Earth he managed to pull himself back together amazes me. He gives me hope, so much hope. A man that has lost both his parents (pretty tragically) and essentially most of his family in the last 8 years has been able to bring himself to a point where he genuinely feels happy again. I want to be there.
I am not there yet. I am not at the point where I hate my life, like I was in August, but I still have days where I just want to sleep and be left alone and where my anxiety gets the best of me. I still feel like I am not good enough and I still struggle to keep appearances. I am struggling to open up to my husband and to want to spend time with my kids and stay patient.
Last week I told my doctor this. I told her that I feel like I am losing my patience easier with my children in particular and that I am not as engaged with them as I would like to be. I hardly cook anymore, I am still not managing my diabetes as well as I could be (although I am finally taking my medications). I am struggling to connect with my husband and I hardly talk with my friends.
I am not there yet. My husband gives me hope, so much hope. Seeing him get through what he has been through gives me hope and right now, that is what I hold onto. I keep taking the meds, I keep trying, I keep talking, I keep going. My life and family mean more to me than anything and I have to keep going.
Thank you to everyone for your support and kind words, keep them coming. I need them to get through this.